带有关系的失败者磁铁

Personal Impact

由Jo Ellen Grzyb - 影响厂主任bob综合app

Jo Ellen explores her own past as a 'loser magnet' with men and shares how she became less nice, less magnetised and much happier.

“让我们面对乔恩，你是一个失败的磁铁。

Encouraging words from my sister a number of years ago, after another short-lived relationship bit the dust.

It's not as though the meagre procession of men in my life really were losers they were mostly successful, functional guys.

这只是他们似乎鼓励我在我身上最糟糕的过度善良，所以他们最终看起来很可怕，我再次结束，又一次，关系。

Excesses of niceness?

我所做的是我实际上让他们表现得很糟糕。我容纳并改编自己的行为，以满足他们想要的东西，从不设置清晰的边界，从不举例地调节自己的需求，从来没有说过我想做什么。

There was even a time when it seemed easier, and less painful, to take myself out of the running in terms of relationships than to once again be with the same kind of man who took advantage of my niceness because I didn't much ask for anything for myself. As a matter of fact, I asked for so little to make sure I didn't get rejected, that I kind of became the invisible woman and who wants to be with an invisible woman?

现在，这里的讽刺是，在我的商业角色中，没有人会把我那么好。公平，体贴，理解，是的;但最令人愉快的不太好。我（仍然是我，我可能会增加）直接，清晰，自信，绝对可见。

It came to breakpoint a few years ago just around Christmas/New Year when I'd finally had enough. My goodwill went and I ended the year and the current relationship simultaneously. The loser magnet said, "It's time to become de-magnetised!" Thus was born The Nice Factor course, which in turn becameThe Nice Factorbook.

我开始谈论这个善良问题，我的朋友们敢于告诉我他们的经历。

"My husband gets annoyed when I disagree, so it seems easier to simply say yes, than cause an argument."

"When I don't want to do something for the umpteenth time (like the school run) my head says no, but my mouth says yes, and I end up doing it anyway."

"I'll be seen as too pushy and besides, politeness is important."

"My parents always expect me for Sunday lunch; I couldn't possibly disappoint them."

“我宁愿在一个关系中而不是一个人，所以如果这意味着保持和平，而不是搅拌事情，我会保持安静的是什么困扰我。”

"Sometimes I feel as though I apologise simply for breathing; I say sorry whether I mean it or not."

The thing about all this is that nice people think it's normal; that they don't really have a choice about whether to be nice or not. That's exactly what I thought this is just how I am.

但是，我意识到我没有天生（哪个婴儿是？），但我已经通过父母和教师期望，屈辱和习惯的缓慢进程变得那种方式。在某个方面，我已经做出了关于是否好好做出选择，直到很快就会觉得自己觉得自己一切都感觉到，就好像我一直都是这样的。

所以,我怎么变得不那么磁化吗?我知道if I had adapted my behaviour to become too nice, I could un-become it too. I had it in me since I was all right when it came to work. But I also discovered that some people are great in their personal lives and not at work; or great at work but not in their personal lives; some are really lousy at both, and when it comes to parents, it's a whole different ball game!

I had to understand and deal with the feelings that got in the way of me changing my behaviour.

看看，我想象出这样的恐怖后果，我认为我的想象力是真实的，并相应地采取行动。我是如此害怕可能发生的事情（我冒犯，我不会被喜欢，我会让一个人生气，我被告知，我被拒绝）我会做任何事情来确保它没有。

我无法阻止我的感受，但我可以以不同的方式做些不同的事情，以便我没有感到从我真正的自我，倾向和冲动中切断。

I realised that being happier meant that my outer behaviour needed to match up better with my inner world of thoughts and feelings. I needed to choose new ways of behaving, get out there and practise them and regain a sense of humour so my life could be a lot more fun and a lot less nice.

Find out more about Impact Factory'sAssertiveness Trainingand量身定制的个人影响培训